I woke up still in a deep sleep

Are you leading your life? or letting life lead you?

I want to say I have control of my life, but I am not naive.

I like most Americans stand around like a fawn in headlights waiting for powerful men in suits to pull us out of the way. We starve if commercials dont tell us what to eat. Would we even be attractive to the same people if our world didnt tell us every minute what is attractive?

Today is thanksgiving. Soon it will be Christmas. All this fake holiday cheer and "must have" advertisments always put me in a funk. Dont put me in the Ba-hum-bug catagory just yet. I like many things about the holidays, I just hate the way this country gets around the holidays. Do your kids really need more toys that will go un-played with shoved under their bed where they will be forgotten. Ok.... I am trying not to be bitter..... breathe..... happy thoughts.....ok better.

Family. Isn't that what the holidays are all about? I always wished my family would get together on thanksgiving and Christmas, but my mother had to work and weylin is not a fan of big family celebrations. My family would be great on the holidays: drinking wine and liquors, cracking jokes, discussing politics, eating Italian food. You know how a family should be.

Lately family has meant watching what you say so you don't offend anyone, feeling like an outsider, searching for subjects to relate to, not disclosing any information about my personal life because nobody approves. I don't think that is how a person should feel around family. Granted it cant last like this forever. One day, when the mood is right, I will drop the bomb. I will stand up and say,

"Hey. I am never gonna change. So learn to love me like this. No I am not the same religion as you, but who gives a shit about that. We are family. That means you are stuck we me, as I am stuck with you. I don't feel the need to change you or preach my beliefs to you. All I ask is that you do the same. Don't be offended if I don't think you know all the answers and belong to the one true religion. I don't even believe there is a one true religion. That's right, I admit I don't know the answers. And I LOVE IT. I love not knowing. It allows my mind to be open to everything. So, stop walking on eggshells around me cause I am not going to around you. I choose to live a different lifestyle than you, like most of the world. So unless you plan on living in a cave and never venturing out into society, you need to learn to live with me."

I hope that wasn't too harsh. I love my whole family, but I need to feel some acceptance or I might always hate the holidays.

Sorry for my depressing angry rant... maybe this will cheer you up:

Remember Remember the 10'th of January

I was reminiscing about my first few months after I moved to Utah. My first real winter, my first battle with the snow.... and the snow won. The following something I wrote January 10th 2008. I cant believe its been almost 2 years since I stared deep into the cold dark eyes of death.
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Last night... I went snow shoeing... I didn't even know what that meant until I was up on a mountain in 4 feet of snow and it was still snowing. My comical adventure begins with a boy, we are friends and went to the same Singles Ward, he saw me yesterday and said" are you coming snowshoeing?" I responded, "heck no... I've seen this movie the black person dies first." he laughed and said "well I will be here at 6:30 and you are going". So at about 6 O'clock my roommate Katie got home. I was in a sweater and jeans... she asked where I was going and I told her... she proceeded to laugh and tell me it was gonna be like 15 degrees and I was gonna Die if I don't layer up.
The conversation went like this.
K- do you have snow pants?
R-no
K-do you have sweat pants?
R-no
K-do you have long johns?
R-no
K-well other than jeans what do you have?
R-I have yoga pants!
K-*laughs* put those over your jeans. Do you have waterproof gloves?
R-no. I have cheap 99 cent gloves I picked up in line at Smith's.
K-*laughs* This is gonna be fun.
She put me in jeans, yoga pants, and pajama pants. I put on a long sleeve shirt, then a t-shirt, then a hoodie, then borrowed a jacket from my roommate Rachel. Well after gaining 5 dress sizes Craig walked in the door. "Are you ready Hollywood?"
Outside there was much commotion as young adults were grouping together. We hopped in the back of an SUV filled with strangers and headed to the mountain. I have never been on a mountain before, nor did I understand the concept that the temp drops real low at night..... real low! "What have I gotten myself into?"
I followed the crowd like a lost puppy, they were getting two of these strange metal things from a truck, maybe I should too. I grabbed a pair of snow shoes and stood there like an idiot staring at the crazy contraptions. "how do these things work?" I said getting my foot caught. Steve remembered me from our ward came up to me and said "Hey Hollywood, I will help" Steve to the rescue (apparently my ward thought Hollywood was a cute nickname). Once the snow shoes were on it was time for the adventure to begin (although getting dressed was an adventure already). People started wondering up the mountain and I didn't want to be in the back (that's where you die) so I jumped in line. After about 10 minutes I asked "is the whole thing up hill" someone ahead laughed and said "Is that Hollywood?" I went on for about 15 more minutes before my frost bitten fingers and lungs got the best of me. I got off the trail and leaned against a tree. "don't worry about me I will wait for the end of the line and jump in." Well the end of the line came and the last person said there was another group about 40 feet away and they would be coming up in a couple of minutes. I was not ready to go on, so I waited, alone, in the forest, without a flashlight, and it was snowing .... 10 minutes went by and I didn't see a single person... "this is how I die" I said aloud to myself "this is is. I can see the headlines, Hollywood girl found frozen to death in Big Cottonwood Canyon." I got back on the trail and begun back up. thinking "Wheres Craig who invited me? He should he be worried." I made it to where the trail of trekked through snow split.... the right went straight up the mountain... and the left went along a scary ridge. I could not tell which way the group went and I was too far to see lights or hear voices. "I am gonna die". I went left... imagining myself falling down and rolling into a snowball like a cartoon. Then up ahead I saw it... a flicker of a flashlight....YAY!!! People!!!! I hurried to the top and found the group. Some one said.... "hey Hollywood you made it. I thought you turned around."
"No, I just got ditched and almost died alone on a fricken mountain"

life or something like it

What is the purpose of life other than to simply live.

I once felt very motivated and determined to read Anna Karenina, only 1224 pages. And I admit I did not finish the book, I got frustrated with all the Russian phrases and words I had to look up in order to understand what was going on. However.... the first sentence in the book impacted my life. It was almost 2 years ago when I read it and I stilll think about it on occasion.

"All happy families are alike; all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way."

Lets discuss this.